Salt & Vinegar Chips

I have to start of by saying that I really am not fat. Well, I think I'm fat...but lets put it this way; a "fat" person would probably be very happy to have my body & a "skinny girl" would have no problem calling me fat at a bar at 2am on a Saturday night. I could stand to lose a few pounds is basically what I'm trying to say. Trust me I'm not trying to be another person online blogging about their weight struggles (well I might from time to time) I'm just simply trying to connect with people, hoping that there is someone out there just like me, who actually may find this entertaining? Lets hope.

First thing first, my name really is not Taylor Cally but I figured I needed to hide my identity. And why is that you ask? Because I'm ashamed to be a skinny fat girl and to be truthful I don't want people in my life actually associating this blog with myself. My thoughts need to be anonymous because I don't want to be engaging in a conversation with someone and all I keep thinking about is if they read my blog and now they know that I'm a size 12, and weigh around 165 lbs, To me that totally sucks, one day maybe I can be comfortable sharing my TRUE weight with my friends and family, cause lord knows I have been using 145 for way too long!

I wasn't always a skinny fat girl, actually growing up I was UNDERWEIGHT. Ha, believe that. So what happened? Well my metabolism slowed down RIGHT about to the time I got my monthly friend for the first time. Yeah, that is exactly what I blame. I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and the quantities could be endless. I didn't even know what hungry was, and it was great I was one of those people that could eat whatever they wanted and not gain a pound (also, screw you people like that), I was living the life until it all caught up with me, except my habits didn't change and in the course of 6 months I gained about 40 lbs. I went from around 125 and my highest weight was 185. I look back on pictures of myself and I become disgusted. At the time I was in honest self denial, I never thought of myself as fat (apparently I must have been avoiding mirrors) and I thought that I looked okay. I did not look okay. Boys never liked me, sororities never accepted me & I thought eating a second dinner was okay. To be honest I probably should have been fatter than I was.

I tried dieting in the past, it never worked for me, I would cheat all the time and exercising was a joke. That is a lie because there was one instance where dieting worked for me. I turned 21 in December 2008 & I was at a bar with my friends, this was around the time where second dinners were normal for me. Anyways, I had bought this dress at Forever 21 thinking that it looked GREAT on me, hot damn did it not. Whatever, what I'm trying to say was that at the bar I was walking around drunk & I overheard a guy moo at me and call me a cow. OKAY DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ABOUT ASSHOLES LIKE THIS, THAT IS A COMPLETLEY OTHER BLOG UPON IT SELF. Phew, Okay...so that bothered me so much, because not only is it my birthday (and I love my birthday) BUT ITS MY 21st birthday and who makes a birthday girl feel bad? After that I went on a diet I only ate 1000 calories a day and I did not excersise once. I did that for about 4 months and I went from 185 to about 145. People told me how great I looked & I honestly felt so great. I enjoyed going out with my friends, guys would actually come and talk to ME, not my friends, and clothes fit better than ever. So why am I back writing this blog calling myself fat again?

Boyfriends ruin everything, you start dating someone and you become comfortable. Right now I think I gained about 15 lbs back. I am not happy. Those clothes that were fitting so great before, are fitting so well now. I love my boyfriend but shit, he made me gain that weight. Cause he loved me no matter what and eh its okay to gain a few pounds after your dating cause you already got him, it does not matter. But here is the problem, the puppy love wore off, and now I feel as if there are so many other more beautiful woman that he is looking at instead of me. I feel as if I am not the apple of his eye anymore. (Which I am just being stupid) but he talks about hot girls on TV all the time and I bet he looks at porn too. (Damn those porn stars and their always protruding ribcages). So my solution to all of this, lose weight. Which pisses me off is the first thing I think of doing to gain his attention. Its sad really, but what else can I do. I mean I would be healthier and "hotter". I always wanted to be hot, I don't think that many people ever thought I was hot. I wanna be a skinny but FIT and healthy girl. I wanna be able to wear a bikini and not have to lay down all day cause I look thinner laying down. I wanna wear a size 6 & I wanna walk by a group of guys at a bar and have each and every one of them stare at me and say "damn she is hot". I'm back on el dieto & shit this is my quest. Enjoy the ride ladies and gentleman.